please use caution when opening the overhead bins

In my late 40s, truthfully knocking on the door of 50, I experience insomnia a lot more than I used to. Sometimes I have these poignant thoughts, sometimes it is sheer nonsense and “worst case scenario” doomscrolling in my brain. Recently though, I remembered something I’d said as a bit of a joke to a new teammate last week, and it suddenly dawned on me during my bout of insomnia, that my joke was a rather decent metaphor for how I was feeling.

You see, I will have been in my new role for EXACLY 1 month tomorrow. Just 2 weeks into role, I needed to travel for a conference I’d committed to long, long ago - begin internal feelings of guilt for missing work just 2 weeks into role. I returned a bit early from said conference to attend the very last part of a team offsite that just happened to be taking place in my home city - pile on a bit more guilt for missing part of that important team offsite. That weekend, I start feeling iffy and by Sunday, I am diagnosed with COVID, and Monday when I tell the team, I learn that I may have gotten at least one of my brand new team members sick - OMG could I feel MORE guilt? The answer is yes, because I spend most of the following week in bed, cancelling or moving countless onboarding meetings and 1:1s with my new team. And in just another 2 weeks I have a vacation that I had planned long before I knew I’d even be coming back to Microsoft. So I will be out again. Cue the guilt shame SPIRAL. My point isn’t to evoke sympathy, although given that I am still feeling puny from COVID, I’d take some sympathy right now.

I should note, that absolutely NONE of this guilt I am feeling comes from anyone on my team, not my boss, not my peers, nor any of the wonderful people who report to me. It’s all internal to my own brain, I am the one doling it out. My new team has been so incredibly supportive that honestly, I keep feeling like something bad MUST be coming. That “something bad” I keep looking for, that’s my little bit of “baggage”. It is my reasonably sized carry-on that - while it sits neatly under the seat - it’s still a little in my way and makes the journey not quite as comfortable as it could be. That baggage has nothing to do with where I am, it is all about what I still bring with me from where I’ve been. So Angela still has some work to do, and honestly probably always will :)

I mentioned in a previous post that I did a lot of work on myself during my sabbatical. Some of that was shedding baggage like bad habits of pushing through burnout, letting fear drive my decisions, and putting up a lot of protective barriers instead of being vulnerable and candid. I worked to shed those pieces of armor so that I could show up as my best self for my new team. AND I did still manage to sneak on that small carry-on sized bit of baggage that poked its head out while I was recovering from COVID and not at my best. And when that happened, and I struggled to get it under control, my new team showed up for me. My meetings got covered or rescheduled without me even asking, expectations were reset and reinforced with me so I was clear that my recovery was more important than the things I was fretting about postponing. I was showered with grace, compassion, and kindness.*

While reconnecting with my career coach this week, we discussed how this is OF COURSE what happened. Because I’d done the work to set myself up for success when I sought out the role, focus, and team that would feel best for me. By reconnecting with my values and priorities, and getting really clear on what I wanted and needed in my next role/team/manager/company, I found a place where I could be my whole self, where I was proud of the work I was doing, where I shared values with the people around me, and where I was hired BECAUSE of who I was, not despite who I was. I did the work, and the results came. Not as quickly as I originally wanted, but it was worth the wait!

If you’re looking for your next role, and maybe you’re feeling discouraged or unsure of where to start, I am still happy to connect, to share my journey, and to share my network. Just because I am employed now doesn’t mean I can’t make time to support my network. Y’all caught me when I fell, I’m here to do the same.

*If working in a group with these kinds of behaviors and values in interesting to you, reach out to me! Happy to share what I know about the new Microsoft (new since I left in 2011), open roles, and where you might be happy.