Another reminder that Self-Care is not Selfish (even if you’re unemployed like me)
As I began writing this post, I was sitting sit here in my office, desperately hungry, tired, and VERY thirsty. If you’re also in the neighborhood of 50 years old like me, you’re probably thinking: “Oh you poor woman, you’re getting a colonoscopy aren’t you?” AYUP. My post isn’t specifically about cancer screening, but since I lost my father to cancer 13 years ago and and it still sucks, you know what? Yeah, get screened as early as you are advised to. OK, back to my regularly scheduled programming.
When I first quit my job back in June, I was hesitant to spend money on too much when it came to self care. I kept coloring my hair, getting bi-weekly massages, and working with a career coach. It felt indulgent, even though without PT and massages my arms would be numb most of every day, keeping me from ever sleeping a full night. I felt guilty spending money when I wasn’t bringing much in. I did not yet value the opportunity that I’d been given. Over the course of the past few months I discovered that a) I have asthma, not severe, but because it was untreated I was needlessly miserable a lot, b) I have arthritis in 3 vertebrae of my cervical spine, and the PT I had been doing for years wasn’t fully addressing the pain or the mobility issues, c) I have HPV, fortunately not the cancer causing kind but it has health implications for me that I hadn’t fully understood, d) I have a cracked molar that’s going to need addressing before it gets too much more painful, and e) I am soon going to find out if the nodule on my thyroid is worrisome or not, and how that might be impacting how I feel. On top of that, I recently discovered I needed readers to see my devices, which I thought I was seeing just fine until I put on the readers, ARGH. Not the worst indignity by far, but really body?!? Just had to add that one extra thing…
I didn’t have a single light bulb moment, or epiphany filled dream. I do know at some point in early October, I started to process everything I was learning about my body, and stopped feeling so much guilt and shame about not reading a ton of books, or starting a new hobby, or landing a job yet. I stopped being irritated at all of the time I was spending driving to and waiting in Dr’s offices and clinics. I’d been offered a gift that I needed to stop squandering. I’ve uncovered and started treating more underlying health issues in the past 5 months of sabbatical than I had in the past 5 years. Issues that were wearing me down and impacting my happiness, my sense of well-being, and my security. All because I had not prioritized the time for check-ups, blood draws, MRIs, X-Rays, ultrasounds*, and GOOD LORD HOW DOES ANY EMPLOYED HUMAN CARE FOR THEMSELVES TRULY? We don’t, is I think the answer.
When I share these experiences, because I am like a walking PSA these days, I hear from others “Oh man, I am so overdue for that screening!”, or “I’ve been living with pain like that too, it’s just so hard to get away from work”. I know not everyone has PTO. Some are using PTO to care for a loved one. Some may be terrified their company might lay them off if they start letting their foot off the gas to focus on themselves. I wish I had a solution, at the heart is an issue that is systemic and far larger than any one person can solve. I do know that I am wishing I could go back and lecture 40 year old Angela on the tech debt she was racking up. And graph out for her the total cost of the “interest” she was accruing on that health debt, and explain that it would be far scarier and harder to pay off later than whatever meetings, deliverables, or (my favorite) non-emergency client emergencies she tended in the here and now. I’m also pretty sure one day of unpaid time off would have been way cheaper than the MRI bill I am now looking at.
There is a point to all of this. I am almost 50 and have neglected myself for a bit too long, putting far more of my focus and identity into work than work deserved. Fortunately, there’s still time to start prioritizing my health more… and to build better habits so that when I land my next role, I continue to pause and take care of myself PROACTIVELY, not just when I am forced to. I am absolutely now focused on interviewing with companies who value their people as people, not just profit machines, and demonstrate it with flexibility that will allow me to do amazing work AND take care of myself at the same time.
I suppose this is one of those gratitude posts leading up to Thanksgiving ::cue dramatic eye rolling:: I am feeling a lot of gratitude for the wisdom this time has given me. Wisdom to guide my job search, wisdom to prioritize my health, and an updated perspective with which to frame the rest of my year. I truly believe that re-framing how I was viewing this time that I am spending in the second half of my sabbatical, time investing in my long term health and well-being, has made a huge difference in how much I am enjoying the time and my job search. I’m looking forward to my remaining medical appointments as opportunities to get back my health debt back to zero, or as close to it as I can. I hope you’ll find some way to invest back in yourself too, whatever that means for you.
*Don’t fret! So far everything is treatable, some short term, and some longer term than I’d like but isn’t that how it goes? Also, the colonoscopy went as well as one can, with zero complications and no uncovered issues. 10 more years until I have to do THAT again :)
